Choices

I used to frown when the bed was undone..
I used to sigh when the sink was full..
I used to click my tongue when the juice spilt on the carpet..
And even leave it so out of my sheer irritation..

Then I saw his gentle smile as he looked at me..
Then I saw the glee when he punched that juice bottle
Then I heard him cackle when he gobbled up his chapati
And skip outside with a full tummy..

His wail when you dared to venture out without him..
His threatening cry when you ignored him and walked out the room..
His implicit hug when you walked back into the house..
And his warm weight when he begs you to hold him..

Made me realize that.
More than a clean sink/carpet or bed..
It was his smile and cackle that made me sigh with peace..
That serene look when he slept made my day seem full
even when all I had done was to hang around him..

What was the point in goals that did not make
space for a smile?
What was the point in a work ethic that..
made children seem like the problem?

Maybe my life is now redefined..
And I finally surrender my need..
for control..
for predictability
and an ego..
I surrender at the altar of motherhood.

I think Im finally choosing happiness over working!
I find my heart lighten as I can smile when I am interrupted
I can find calm even if I am late..
I can find my focus even if there is yelling everywhere..

Im surprised it took me motherhood to make these choices..
But then, Im not complaining!
I do surrender at the altar of motherhood. 

The Day I stopped saying 'I cant'

I never knew what happens when you take on commitments. Noone told me it will take from you so much energy and time that you have to hold on to yourself.

I always spoke to my mother for strength. I still do. She lives with dad. They have been together oh-so-long and been through more than many people should. She was rising from the table and stopped for a moment to unfold her painful knee. I watched her rise slowly and proceed to the sink. she returned to say .. 'you know you should teach raam to surf and bike'..

I am this terribly self deprecating person who does everything she can to play down her three degrees and everything else. I dont get how to look past blemishes and feel happy.

Then I saw the person from whom I was drawing so much support. And just how incredibly tired she is.

Its probably the last time I heard myself say 'I cant'.. to her.

If she can smile with a stiff knee maybe I can jog and share a smile too.

If she can be hopeful despite all her life experiences maybe I should be giddy with positivity. 

Children

I always knew I wanted to have children. didn't really know why. But I knew I did want to have one..maybe some.. and after some amazing luck I actually did have one! Apart from being a nerve-wracking adventure it was also the one thing which helped me find myself. I realized I could undergo so much for the sake of one smile for him! And for some strange reason all my pain is forgotten when he smiles! Children seem to be that rare energy that you search the whole world for but fail to find. They can laugh away your blues and somehow makes the whole place seem brighter. Who else would interrupt your serious discussion on whether or not the neighbor was rude to you.. whether or not you want to take 2 hours to grocery shop... a yell, a diaper change and a crazy giggle turns your world inside out and you sorta prefer it that way! haha The chaos and the utter free flow of vulnerable energy is the greatest gift perhaps. hari would agree! as would all of raam's grandparents :) 

Vaikom 

This time I am in India without a main reason aside from celebration and family time. Not only am I lucky enough to be able to make such a trip that can be deemed to be for no reason but this; I still have parents to share this with. I had totally forgotten what it felt like to be watched over, to be pampered for small things... and the implicit offer to take you on a pilgrimage to one of the most ancient temples in southern India... that was truly a special time. I am here with my son, Raam. Raam has not been to a single temple that was more than 30-40 years old; this one we have been visiting as a family for over twenty years. The temple is now a part of family tradition; it is that sunday trip forty minutes away that would signify our foundation, our beliefs.. a joint family outing replete with dad's fervent prayer with shut eyes and spread hands in front of the austere diety lit with lamps and flowers on the elevated pedestal. Mom's smile and knowing look that would find the nearest staircase for the occasionally sulky child to sit while we waited for the nadei to open. The black stone of the temple has remained unchanged; if I remember right its more than 4 years since I visited the temple last. The thing that strikes you the most is the utter sense of peace engulfing you as you enter the premise. The horde of devotees joined together in their quest for solace from the problems that plague the mind.. I guess its that very communion of purpose that sets this apart from all other gatherings of humans. The smell of burning oil in large lamps, the warm feel of stone against the feet and the weight of my child on the shoulders were a soothing combination... I felt myself looking to be guided round the temple like that ten year old child of years ago; my mother was reminiscing about the times we used to come here and pray for exam results. 'Now', she says, 'how trivial exam results seem'... her voice trailing away in memory of those golden years past when exams and the next test were the only main worries we harbored. As we went round the diety, I recall thinking how different things would be if I had only known how precious the sheer experience of each temple visit was. Later, I confessed to my mother in a voice full of shame for the fear they held that I feared losing all I have... people, a child, a home and above all; the freedom to pursue ones dreams. She asked me simply in return.. 'what are you afraid of losing... who you are, the extent to which God loves you.. or what you have done for God?' This was the closest anyone has ever come to pinpointing the oh-so-subtle difference between the mind and the soul.. we may lose what we deem dear.. but we may never lose who we are.. and that was all that mattered. The trip gave me an opportunity to actually talk to my mother; to have that mango juice on a hot afternoon with dad, to look at the infamous kerala buses and to marvel at the sheer beauty of the state... If we had known how precious this forty minute trip was; maybe we would realize how hard we should work to cherish the experiences that are close to the soul.