Choices

I used to frown when the bed was undone..
I used to sigh when the sink was full..
I used to click my tongue when the juice spilt on the carpet..
And even leave it so out of my sheer irritation..

Then I saw his gentle smile as he looked at me..
Then I saw the glee when he punched that juice bottle
Then I heard him cackle when he gobbled up his chapati
And skip outside with a full tummy..

His wail when you dared to venture out without him..
His threatening cry when you ignored him and walked out the room..
His implicit hug when you walked back into the house..
And his warm weight when he begs you to hold him..

Made me realize that.
More than a clean sink/carpet or bed..
It was his smile and cackle that made me sigh with peace..
That serene look when he slept made my day seem full
even when all I had done was to hang around him..

What was the point in goals that did not make
space for a smile?
What was the point in a work ethic that..
made children seem like the problem?

Maybe my life is now redefined..
And I finally surrender my need..
for control..
for predictability
and an ego..
I surrender at the altar of motherhood.

I think Im finally choosing happiness over working!
I find my heart lighten as I can smile when I am interrupted
I can find calm even if I am late..
I can find my focus even if there is yelling everywhere..

Im surprised it took me motherhood to make these choices..
But then, Im not complaining!
I do surrender at the altar of motherhood.