Home

And Im home. This time has been so kind to me in showing me the pitter patter of the rains, the thunder and the lightning. The diwali sparks and the idli breakfasts. I sit here in the same room which holds a dozen golden memoirs - remnants of our enthusiastic stint at school, sitting there like a completed song, only muted now in its attempt to fit into this life that has moved past that. My son sits two feet away fiddling with his toy. His pitter patter of feet have brought back the essence of this home - it nurtures children and creates hope. The endless bounding up and down those smooth black stairs, an attempt to run away from the playful hands of grandparents. The inimitable glint in his eye as he challenges his mother with his behavior, all call back to this grand 20 years of upbringing that this house has witnessed. The pale blue walls have all heard our stories, the history exams, the endless Xena episodes, the brother-work outs and the pillow fights. The only difference is today the child running here is of me, its not me. What a stupendous change that is. The grace that flowed through this house is even stronger today. The old guard stand strong - pretending to be oblivious of the age that seeps through their bodies and spirit. Their smile runs through us to this blog today. Their smiles light up just as quickly with this pretty child runs today. I shall not wish for more, Guruvayoorappa. What is, itself, is a miracle. 

Family and family

This post is for me.

Family is that which reminds you of your roots. Family reminds you of how you struggled, fought and won; not in a sad way, in a happy way. Family tells you that you are not dark, but light. Family reminds you that when the chips are down - you are not really alone. Now, for many, people try to interfere with the concept of family. Family is not just blood, family is not just married into. Family essentially are a set of people who are simply happy you exist. To whom you represent a certain irreplacable energy. From whom you have acceptance, trust, implicit support and understanding. Family is not just about people who do things for one-another; family is where you are understood, respected and accepted - even when, and especially when, you are not at your best.

Calling out to all of you who are family - thank you. And I love you. 

Haters

Im officially sick of them. Sick of dealing with them. Of worrying about them. Of wishing they would just "know" me. Wishing they would give me a "chance" to have an equation with them so the hating would just STOP. So, Ah well. I finally realized  - haters just wanna hate. They know me. Oh yes they do. They respect me, wish they were me and think the world of me. But they just cant stop hating. They cant help it. God didn't give them the resilience and beauty it takes to respect and let go. They have to respect and trash. Ah well. So I stewed and I stewed. For years. I know - was I so needy for love? No, I wasn't. I was a kid who didn't get why one would be hated. Until I read this:



It’s like that Ani Difranco quote from her song “32 Flavors”:


And god help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past…

Good ness is no match for jealousy - the jealousy that will convince people you are a million things that they hate. And let them - for I hate them not. And in their hatred do they ever more suffer. Fortunately for me, I hate them not. Its sad that when devoid of aims, we, the busy, become the punch bags of the idle. 

Motherhood diaries - sick days.

Its a well-known joke/stand among moms that moms have no sick-days. You are still mom, you still get the meals, the potty-calls and the school pick-ups. My poor hubby does everything he can, but well - it takes mommy and daddy to make a day in the kid's life :) All of a sudden, I start to see the reassurance I always had around me... the hugs. The sudden inquiries - 'mommy, are you okay??.'
In case I threatened to forget the reassurance, as I mixed my coffee this morning and peeped out the window, I see the determined 3 year old marching behind the father to help recycle.

I think my heart expanded three sizes in that instant. haha! I suppose sharing menial chores has a special place in my heart. #guffaw!

To top it all, the famous learn-to-read books had arrived and he is transported into delighted squeals "Its going to be goody!"

Well, this isn't such a bad sick-day. Heck I still get to hear a kid laugh. I still get to feel a small hand in mine. :) And thats why we moms are suckers - we just love something that outside and independent of ourselves :)

Success and weakness

When Im pushed so far back down that I cant get up. When the night is so dark that no light seems to pierce it - Im okay. Im calm. Im focused, alert, clear and aware of myself. However strange things happen when I get into the light - I have choice. I receive acknowledgement, and rest. Frankly, all of these are distractions - a mind full of hopes and impressions is not focused - and is therefore a weak mind. So see, its true - success makes me weak. 

Therapy

Its amazing that people are supposed to spend 20 + years of their life equipping themselves for life but so little of what we learn is focused on what life is mainly about - handling it!

Technical knowledge, energy, dreams and methods of working - these are taught with great fervor and the ones with the best technical knowledge are applauded. But look around me, the people who really 'win' - the 'smart' people - are the wierdos. The rebels. The non-conformists. The speak-through-my-hat people who are selfish enough to take care of themselves, short-sighted enough to dream and take risks and carefree enough to believe in themselves.

Having been an utter over-achiever in every sense of the word - winning awards for sportsmanship, debating, writing, classical dance and exams - I genuinely believed I had what it takes to succeed. And sure, the most pedestrian signs of success were mine - educational degrees, recommendations and entries into offices of my choice.

But lets talk about resilience, happiness, peace, strength and calm. Lets talk about faith, genuine-ness, self-belief and endurance. This is true success. You see, if you are hurt, depressed or pushed down by life - none of your degress or awards come to your rescue. Its just you, and your therapy.

Spousal sighs

Darling, You can screw up. 

I think today, I have made my most important commitment in marriage - in being married to myself and to my spouse. I think Im going to allow me, and him, to fuck up occasionally.

There. I said it. I didnt think I would swear on this blog - but somewhere inside me is this rebel whose language hasn't really matured. So.

Really, why would I promise to live with someone for a lifetime if that person - namely me, my spouse and my kid is not allowed to make a big huge stinking mess? Im going to say we're allowed. And its bloody okay to do that. And Im still going to believe in me, in him and in him. Im not going to give in to disillusion. Life is hard as it is - throw in un-achieved ambition, fatigue and being overworked - which is the sort of stuff life is really made of - it'd be nothing but effing godly to not screw up occasionally.

In fact I recommend marriage vows to read - I know I will, and you will - screw up. Lose yourself. Be cruel and mad. And I will believe in me and you because we are just as normal as everyone else who will be cruel, mad and tired at some point in their lives.

In the 'zone'

I know - it certainly sounds like I have written too many exams or ran too many competitive athletic races - both of which are true. But this is my tried and tested way to stay content in a time where everything seems to have a to-progress-list, and hang on before you click your tongue at this - you want to improve your nutrition-style, you have to complete that house project, your son needs soccer class and your husband needs more sleep. But you still have to live through the weeks and months it will take to achieve all these goals. I used to spend these biting my nails and sighing at the slow passage of time. 

Now, I resolve to get in the zone - and that means, living in a way that reminds me of all the ways in which we have achieved progress so-far. It might mean my son goes potty fewer times in a day, haha! Or that my husband has officially drugged himself with a cough syrup to sleep all night - but in all those small mercies I bask, I live and celebrate! I sit around and do-nothing (bow to meena for that irrreplacable piece of wisdom), and slowly feel the sure warmth creep all over me. Aaaahhhh... bring it on - you soul-less worries and gnawing thoughts - you can raise hell but I ain't budging my pretty li'l a** from this zone. 

Amen. 

Motherhood diaries

The Power of Caring

I know this has to be the corniest title - but read on and you'll see why I chose it. So consider yourself waking up in the morning and looking at your day with your toddler (stay-home-moms) - you see your basic food-tasks, your hopes for quiet time, your baby's needs and the house-tasks. So as you fill up your morning green smoothie there are two ways your inner centering happens -

(a) "Good God! How do I get done with all my stuff so I catch this movie I want?

or

(b) I really dont care about getting my entire fricking list done ... as long as I can hug this kiddo as much as I can.

Now when Im (a), I dont recall my son's funny faces, I find myself brushing past him in the hallway and tautly waiting for his next misbehavior. And when Im (b), I find Im okay sitting out a 30-min breakfast as he giggles at each funny page in his book. And guess what - all my desired virtues of patience, love, appreciation, giving and breathing - flow naturally when Im (b). And lo! The son laughs, blooms and giggles under my very nose. You could argue that is a better aim than that movie I apparently wanted to watch!

I really think this speaks to all those mothers who feel the need to have a "Self" aim and/or some worldly-desires to be a more-part of the human race. Im going to say smiling and breathing are the better ways to be a part of the human race - and you can be that without tearing your hair out and/or arguing with your kids all day long. And no, this doesn't speak to working moms. I will write to you when I am one. haha.

Motherhood diaries

The Trouble with progress

My friend and I had a conversation the other day on child- progress. Would we want our kids to be smarter? Read faster? Wouldn't it be a proud moment to proclaim to the world our kid could read a whole book by 5. I wonder what the child must have missed out on, to be a kid who reads by 5. My point is, I consider myself a fairly intelligent individual (and no, I wont string my degree-list here to prove it), but Im guessing a child would do better if he/she had plenty of free time as toddlers. I completely respect all moms out there who do their best and take their children half-way across the city to events and tutors to ensure their progress. I do see not everyone has the time and effort it takes to feel secure about having given enough input to your child. In fact, Im sure my kid isn't as linguistically-advanced as he should be. Im sure he's skinnier than he need be. He is just as slow, strong-willed, dreamy and obnoxious as I was. And thank goodness! Im raising a human. I am human. And I hope that through this, I show him to be human, real and alive - to a butterfly and a toy and a cookie is far greater than to read by 5. We have a plethora of scholars. What we need are more people who laugh easily, give with a smile and take it easy. Atleast, I think so. :) 

Motherhood diaries

The cause for nothing-time


When I look back at my childhood, some of my most secure and happy moments are the most nonsensical things - standing near the old well and pretending it had gold inside it. Looking at the wierd bats flying between the coconut trees at dusk.. or trying to run outside in a manner that made me miss each of the  lines in the squares of the concrete - the classic signs of too-much-idle-time. Today, we parents sometimes feel whether its a good idea to give our kids idle-time as much... dont they need music class? language class? dance class? The thing is - idle time is what will give my kid a chance to figure out what to when he is not-so-idle. Why would I engage him in his most important task of day-dreaming and just-being? Heck, my best ideas and decisions - including to marry and to have kids - came from excessive day-dreaming and knowing-nothing! haha? yes, haha! 

Motherhood diaries

Oh what about the library?

The library was the first haven I ventured to to save my sanity during my early SAHM days. I was alone for much of the day with a kid who didnt talk, didnt play much nor had any self-sufficiency. Rush to the library to escape to a world with pretty shapes, where he could run without hurting himself and find out I wasn't alone in the need for such a place :)

Once parks and pools came into the frame, the poor libraries became a quieter retreat. The lingering interest was books, though. I had other mothers coming to me requesting I read to their children. Much later when my kid developed issues with frustration and tantrums, in an attempt to offer him a renewed sense of routine and calm, it was back to the library. Soon I had a kid who took my hand exiting preschool and saying "could we please go to the library?"

Not bad for a kid with satellite tv, his very own kindle and wii at home. So thats the deal about the library. :) 

Motherhood diaries

I said "no!"

I always assumed I would be the one saying "no" to my kid. It was interesting to see his eyes turn wide and look at me as this voice resounded from my mouth.. how powerful! And then he turned three. "No" is a big part of my day - either vocally or otherwise. No food.. no to baths.. no to outing.. no to washing hands or mouth. Slowly, I recognized this whole seething personality inside that toddler.

Rush for the discipline handouts right? How do you deal with a kid who has his own take on everything without taking away his right to choose and feel? I read the rules.... remove him physically.. let go the unimportant stuff... stand firm on a few.. lecture little. I literally reach for it each morning while I sip the soumpf tea (believe it or not!).

I walk across the hallway to light the holy lamp and glanced at my son. His long legs sprawled over the mickey mouse seat, his little eyes watching jake and the neverland pirates. I couldnt feed him just about anything I wanted nor get him to do anything I wanted. But maybe thats okay - not sure I wanted to be the only person who could say "no", anyway :) 

Forest drives

We traveled to Portland for no real reason. Dad said so. Reason enough. So after 4 days I thought we would be tired but sure driving around was exciting! The mckenzie river bridge being the goal; we set out with every intention of going straight. We stopped at Walterville - a small little place where the fields stretched far and wide. Only much later did we find this huge beautiful canal there... lazy, reassuring and just "there". We wanted a walk? Yes, David Brown, we hear you: "what if this life full of care there is no time to stop and stare". We stopped and stared. Walked and wrestled with raam. After a point our thoughts faded into the breeze and we were finally just walking. The drive to the forest was really beautiful: the reward for all that planning and effort in a few hours of peace in the car as the child slept.. and we could just watch the green trees go by. A rare moment where we strived for nothing; feared for nothing and worried about nothing. It was definitely fun and I hope to be doing more of that in times to come!