What do I see?

More than once, I have been asked to share what I see. What do I see when I head to the library?

I see a highly underrated institution. I see plenty of women all of whom are desperately wanting to do the best by their child.. each of them afraid to offend, wondering if their child is good enough and wondering when, if ever, their child would learn to read.

Why aren't we telling ourselves that its okay to try less hard? To make mistakes. To accidentally tread on another's toes. To forget, to sneeze and to not have the best manners all the time. Its OK if our kids dont know to read sooner than the others. So what? eventually - everyone does!

I honestly dont see any men watching their backs apologetically in case they 'hurt' someone as they are busy living their lives - its just 'how its done' right?

Target visit

Mommy, I need to go potty.

Already? We just got to the store. OK lets go.

(3 escalators and at the restroom)

Mommy I wont throw the candy in the toilet okay?

OK.

Mommy can you hold my candy bar?

OK (folding the wrapper).

Mommy why are you ruining my candy? (sobs)

But I didn't - I folded it so it wouldn't get the bathroom air.

Mommy open it! (demanding tone in voice)

Ok! (phew) whatever you're being difficult right now.

Mommy why did you open my candy bar? It could get dirty!

But you asked me to!

Mommy you are ruining my candy ... sob SOB SOB!!

But Raam - I thought you said you needed to go potty, could you just finish so we can argue about this?

But I dont want to go potty!

WHAT ?!! You said you did..

But I DONT... YOU RUINED MY CANDY BAR!!

Oh my gosh I cant take this - please wait outside for me (angrily pushing the kid outside the bathroom door).

(Catch the hurt look and pause on the side of the locked door guiltily. Reopen the door).

raam do you want to come in?

Yes.

(Flush, Wash, Dry hands).

Come on raam, lets go!

Wait mommy -- (shutting off the tap with a smile ) - you left the water on :)

Who's watching out for whom?

2016

This is why 2016 should be about appreciating what we have and finding more ways to relax and have fun.

'Have fun' is such a corny term - I hate it. Its ambiguous, pressuring and imaginary - talking about things you want to do but never feel satisfied doing.

I believe fun should have a personal definition - one which comes from knowing yourself fully and being un-inhibited about it. Feels like including "fun", including many others concepts like 'attractive' have been hijacked by mainstream media to mean doing something that gives you an adrenaline-rush, something that has questionable morals and sanity. Perhaps, we would find it easier to have 'fun' if we stuck to our internal definition of it - the things that make our stress seems far away and the best things in life close at hand.



Let's face it - in today's day and age - stress is like a part of breathing. The pressure to go forward, to progress, to 'keep it together' is so high - that many times, one would feel like there is literally nothing going for us. That all the things we want for ourselves are so far away and here we are - working like cogs in a huge invisible machine - never destined to chance upon that glorious and indescribable sensation of fulfillment and happiness.

Here's my definition of fun - being able to smile when you cook although you are tired. Laughing when your son says you are too fat to fit into that newly dry-cleaned ghagra. Chuckling when you see your neighbor's trying to walk two leashed dogs while checking the phone.

its not epic. Its not planned. Its nothing you can show on facebook. But its simple, its every day and it comes from slowing down or focusing on the moment long enough to see the funny side. Stress has stolen from me and my family the contentment and peace that should come with being as blessed as we are. Its tiring to give in to worry, stress, agony over goals and self-doubt.

And that's why 2016 is about forgiveness, doing less, being more and having fun. Yes, 'fun'.

The mom-ager

I am a woman and an M.B.A. Married with a 3 year old. Before I married I was pretty morbidly afraid of being a stay-home wife let alone a stay-home mom. The absence of tangible deadlines and pressures... the utter invisibility of making another human being. They very thought of it had me hyperventilate. Of course, life has to make sure you face your worst fears. Take away my identity as this smart-person who could handle-any-workload and add a baby to the mix you can picture the mess I was in 2012.

Im still a mess, but I see a method to it now. Respect is a big word, but I wonder why I didn't respect family-dom much before I had a kid. Let's talk about management - everyone asks me whether I miss being associated with management and deadlines. I think hard and have this to say - I've never had to use it more. Beginning from nutritional planning to playgroup settings to assessing growth landmarks - the mom(ager) is literally charting the creation of a new person. So yes - our bonus is a new word he uses, our raise is an extra hour to ourselves and our peer review is when your family sees that the kid is actually in one piece and not completely damaged!

Unlike other deadlines, if I miss a deadline - I have consequences other than some shame or lost money. Im either dealing with a cranky, irritable 30 pound mass or have a destroyed house to restore. If I make a poor move, Im looking at a super-embarrassing tantrum at the grocery store.

I never used daycare and he now heads to preschool 3 hours a day. Turns out I can still string sentences together and read a management report. If you detect  note of indignation - you are spot on. I'm amazed at how women who take a break to raise their children are thought of having undergone a brain-freeze or something. Somewhere in the squeezed-in blogs as a kid sleeps, the insane plans to use the outdoors no-matter-what and the tactical decisions made while cookery, my mind has morphed into an alertness I haven't seen before. Sleep deprivation, food deprivation and social deprivation converts moms into mom-agers - a bad*** version of their former selves which literally cares little for judgment and is much quicker to respond than the average peer without children. And it doesn't end there; below is one of the many articles Im seeing pop up all over mainstream news media talking about the new gen of mom-agers:

http://www.fastcompany.com/3055634/second-shift/5-parenting-skills-that-make-you-a-better-at-your-job


The point is - you can be a really good manager even if you are a mom. Especially if you are a mom. And if you are reading this as a woman - I hope it helps you make the choice (as people always present it to you ) of being either a mom or a manager.

He has rights, too.

I abhorred being ordered about as a kid. And today - as I try to get busy I see why that seems like the natural way to have kids work their way around your routine.

I disagree, though. Being complained about (I was a very dreamy kid), nagged to speed up (very very slow) and yelled at remains my poorest memory. I probably deserved all of it, but it certainly left me with a feeling that somehow my nature was an ill-fit into the fast paced life that was around me.

Turns out my artistry, ability to slow down and dream turned me into a tenacious hard worker; and someone capable of finding innovative solutions to ordinary problems. Who else would think of using chalkboards for grocery lists (I swear amazon copied the idea from me). So I wonder why I would bully my kid who shows the same outlier tendencies. I hear my mother's voice as I say 'come on I already showed you how to do it, again?'

I never thought of what to say when people ask 'how did you travel with him when you were sick?'
'How do you do this/paint with him?'

The answer is simple - I dont assume I am right. He is right, too. He has a right to be slow, to ask again, to find my behavior annoying and to disagree. I am the boss, but I am not always in the right. As long as I remembered that, I found I was polite and considerate in my responses to him. Turns out - being polite elicited the same behavior from him.

I rest my case.