Carrying around a huge complex from being a highly-qualified stay-home mom I sought to establish my credentials by requiring no help with parenting - being the sole embodiment of parenting values of nutrition, routine, discipline and caregiving. Three tiring but rewarding years later, my poor spouse was at a loss at how to be around the kid and it was no surprise that together times were wrought with unease - how do you relax when only parent is really, a parent.
Then some conversation I had with a grandparent (obviously- my own mom), lit up a light bulb in my head - that I had the power to create. Partly due to the desire to do-it-all-myself and partly due to my rectitude to give advice/instruction of any kind to my phD husband - I had not helped the child have a father. Being the life-giver does not make you a father as much as your willingness and ability to have absolutely nonsensical straight-faced conversations and hug your screaming child while he hits you for hugging him at all.
So! Create the relationship, my heart said to me. And slowly, I began to apply my verified theory that doing-selfless service- alone establishes a good relationship - and innocuously included my spouse in the kid's daily routine. Teeth-brushing, dressing for school, night-time story - handed neatly to the spouse (of course to my advantage). After months of rocky application and tantrums between the two, one fine morning I woke up to find these two men giggling around each other. The child began running to the door to open for my spouse in the evenings. The child finally began asking where his father went, during the day. Aha - a relationship, if I ever smelt one!
A few months of that, later, I found myself telling my spouse the kid's antics, his arguments or his latest artwork. The moment when he astounded me with his intelligence or that moment when he reminded me he was just a child amidst all the bravado. Without knowing it, I was receiving feedback - a message to stay strong, to stay detached and to stay firm in my beliefs as a parent. I found myself waiting to seek an opinion or have mine validated - huge things in a new parenting scenario. Guess, what I found myself a partner in parenting. I now have a partner in one of the toughest jobs I will ever have.
Did I say I was giving? creating? I actually, received. A partner in parenting.
Then some conversation I had with a grandparent (obviously- my own mom), lit up a light bulb in my head - that I had the power to create. Partly due to the desire to do-it-all-myself and partly due to my rectitude to give advice/instruction of any kind to my phD husband - I had not helped the child have a father. Being the life-giver does not make you a father as much as your willingness and ability to have absolutely nonsensical straight-faced conversations and hug your screaming child while he hits you for hugging him at all.
So! Create the relationship, my heart said to me. And slowly, I began to apply my verified theory that doing-selfless service- alone establishes a good relationship - and innocuously included my spouse in the kid's daily routine. Teeth-brushing, dressing for school, night-time story - handed neatly to the spouse (of course to my advantage). After months of rocky application and tantrums between the two, one fine morning I woke up to find these two men giggling around each other. The child began running to the door to open for my spouse in the evenings. The child finally began asking where his father went, during the day. Aha - a relationship, if I ever smelt one!
A few months of that, later, I found myself telling my spouse the kid's antics, his arguments or his latest artwork. The moment when he astounded me with his intelligence or that moment when he reminded me he was just a child amidst all the bravado. Without knowing it, I was receiving feedback - a message to stay strong, to stay detached and to stay firm in my beliefs as a parent. I found myself waiting to seek an opinion or have mine validated - huge things in a new parenting scenario. Guess, what I found myself a partner in parenting. I now have a partner in one of the toughest jobs I will ever have.
Did I say I was giving? creating? I actually, received. A partner in parenting.
