Traveling minus the boy

I realize I've done a good job of traveling with the child when he says 'please mommy - can I come? I have so much fun at airports.'

So this time whisking the child away was not an option since there were grandparents visiting and the plan was too last-minute to meaningfully take the child with us.

I left with very instructions and no preparation.

I also left with minimal sentiments seeing as it was THE day of his 5th birthday. I'm really proud of myself for having stayed the course.

Turns out the best thing about time away from the child is recognizing how much less instruction/interaction we can do with to make the being-around-each-other-process enjoyable.

Editing this to add that not being around the spouse-and-child led me to the wonderful discovery that they had a relationship all their own. They had a beautiful rhythm with each leaning on the other ... all I had to do was to step back and let it bloom.

Confidence and the stay-at-home-mom

It seems incredible to me now, as a mom who works, to think of the incredible self-confidence issues I faced.. even with closest friends.

How could I justify a whole day spent without a meaningful deadline?

How do I explain that I spent all day potty-training my 2 year old without people thinking Im just looking inefficent?

How do I justify feeling tired when supposedly I live in a big house with a little toddler and no money-insecurities?

The deadlines at work, harsh though they could be, can never compare to the delicate task of making timely meals for a little child who rejects everything.

The whole day at work can never equal the emotional strain of keeping sanity and cheer around a child who can take all of the energy one can give and STILL be unhappy.

Looking back - Im incredibly proud of finding the spirit to make some friends, the will to keep them and more than anything - the space in my heart to try to have some fun.

So many days it was a question of being able to feel happy despite that all I achieved in the day was just keeping the child safe and fed.

It really is a job worth thousands of dollars - considering there is nothing that can replace those years which I thankfully viewed as an incredible opportunity to pour my heart and soul into a little being who would hopefully take solace in that he is loved... as life tears at his will and self-esteem.

That job... was fighting the good fight.

This job - is just earning money. 

Behind Enemy Lines

Apparently its progressive to talk about mental illness and struggle.

Which means I was progressive from 8 years ago - haha.

Anyway: there was this poster on Pinterest which said 'Seeking for help when you have suicidal thoughts' is not a sign of needing-help, that its the greatest sign of strength to seek assistance though some part of you has completely broken down - despite which, one still has the courage to stand up and seek assistance.

I couldn't agree more.

Fighting post-partum depression, post-graduation depression and every kind there is, I now see why I feel a kinship with anyone who is grieving for a lost one or other major losses or failures in life...

Losing hope is akin to breathing but never feeling the air.

Losing perspective is like seeing without understanding.

The idea of seeing seeking assistance as a sign of survival is such an easy to show empathy - to ourselves, to begin with.

Almost every person I meet is essentially a result of their victory or failure to the demons that pervade through the silence, distance or family.

To the extent one wins, one stays alive.

Compassion versus Empathy

Always thought I was a empathetic person when I suddenly realized empathy and compassion are two different things.

Compassion was the desire to help those in pain or trouble - very honorable and useful for my role as a mommy but completely useless when it comes to managing life.

Compassion.. first to the self was the golden rule which I had quietly forgotten.

When I found my sight fading and breath quickening on that day outside the foot orthotic store, I recognized that compassion wouldn't save my life or get me to my goals.

Empathy would.

Empathy has an element of logic attached to it - an understanding which meant I could decide how or when to help/feel/speak.

If one is juggling many roles like I am, the foundation used to make decisions is everything.

Worry number 6: If I am good to mean people, I will become them.

Having been kind to many people most of the time.. all the time, I have been stabbed in the back a few times. Few times compared to perhaps the average person, but by folks very close to me.

I have been derailed, hurt and left for dead.

If it were not for family I would not be here today to tell the tale.

Now the interesting thing is, though I am kind I am no saint. And I never considered being kind, again, to these offending parties.

However... turns out if the person is alone, sick or completely disheartened... my heart melts all over again and I am good to them. Giving of myself.

Initially I judged myself for being too soft and a sucker to please people.

I decided to give myself some more credit for being wise when I began to read literature supporting the idea of being kind to those who have hurt you.

'How you behave speaks volumes about you... how the other person behaves is enough said about them.' (thankyou, Marc and Angel).

Seeing as I consider myself a role model to my son... (all moms are - whether they admit it or not) - I picked the risky choice of showing empathy to those around.. whether they liked me or not.

I've been doing this for a few weeks and last time I checked  - I still recognize the person in the mirror. Perhaps more than before.

So, I have healed and grown - and the only way to show that is to do good where cruelty was received.

Worry number whatever: I'll forget to feel the sunshine if I work too hard

I began to wake up early to make food for the family so I could get to work without a guilt complex.
I began returning when the sun was fading.

Once family visited, I began to worry about all the hard work I would do to help them be at ease and still get my job done.

I made sure my child still laughed. The house still smelt lovely of food in the mornings. That we still found friends to hang out with.

Simple remedies to heavier schedules.

Now - for the "worry" that perhaps.. PERHAPS... the sun would never shine properly again.

Until someone said to me 'My dear - I have faith in you. Just listen to the Sound of music song' about 'confidence' and start doing!!

I focused hard on that thought... and slowly began to feel my son's laughter again.
Slowly realized the shackles of expectation from the self began to loosen.

The self-created images of perfection and perceived slights faded away.

I see now that all there is... is me and my intention.

Once my intention is in place - I can accept errors, inefficiencies, slip-ups and more.

"I simply remember my favorite things and then I dont feel so baaaaaaaad.' :)