You know you are completing a full circle when you are back on the same campus that you got engaged to a certain young man. Only this time, you spend time speaking to your mentors about the disappointment, disgust, betrayal and fear with which you have returned. Fear. Retribution. And pure survival was that time.
You know it is a full circle as you look up on the same lawn that you stood 10 years ago telling people of your engagement, only this time, watching red balloons fly into the sky signifying letting go.
On the way home, I watched the paddy fields whiz by and slowly texted one guy I met on campus who turned out to be one of the best friends I've ever made in my life. I slowly unravelled my story to the oldest friend I have; a gnawing fear in my stomach that he wouldn't believe me.
He told me he knew years ago I should have my miserable excuse of a spouse but waited for me to decide.
I think that was the defining, freeing moment. The moment when all the truths I had stalled to speak came rushing forward. The incredible pain. The pain from seeing everything you believed in kicked asunder by a single vicious act of someone you loved more than you loved yourself.
Then came the acceptance. Each day turned into a crawl; waiting for the enemy to reveal themselves. It was odd. One day it was pleas to return. One day it was threatening emails. One day it was my own cry for release from the loneliness. Would my arm please grow back? Would the terrible humid air please give way to the light breeze of California? Would my son please understand why I could never take him back to the USA? Could I please be left alone... alone, dear God.. alone?
I crawled through the day's routines. Meals offered a break in what was otherwise a determined listlessness that earmarked a no-man's land where no one really knew, where I was going to live in 6 months time. Any illusion of free choice was removed by my treacherous heart that still pained to speak his name. My belongings reeked of my bohemian existence as I hated all my indian clothes and sought refuge in clothes that matched how I dressed in San Diego. I spent all my time speaking to lawyers who were visibly pained to hear my 9 year story.
I slowly began hearing words like 'harassment' and 'abuse' and 'trauma' wondering what they had, to do with me. Apparently I was signing off on documents where I swore in a Court of Law that I had been harassed into earning money and alienated from my own family. I sat limply in that bench in Court taking in breaths wondering 'I didn't see this coming.'
The Petition filed and now the marriage suspended. I trudged behind my dad into a train where my visibly exhausted father gulped down some food. I was so stressed I could barely remember which playlist I loved. I reached home the next morning to a son who swung on the wooden swing outside.. running to open the gate and dragged me soon upstairs to play chess. For the first time all week. He looks up at me and says 'Mommy: was I well-mannered and polite to you...? I hope it made you happy!"
I exhaled and nodded a strained smile at him: torn between wonder at his remembering; and the weight of the danger that I was attempting to stave off; that was seeking to steal that very smile.
You know it is a full circle as you look up on the same lawn that you stood 10 years ago telling people of your engagement, only this time, watching red balloons fly into the sky signifying letting go.
On the way home, I watched the paddy fields whiz by and slowly texted one guy I met on campus who turned out to be one of the best friends I've ever made in my life. I slowly unravelled my story to the oldest friend I have; a gnawing fear in my stomach that he wouldn't believe me.
He told me he knew years ago I should have my miserable excuse of a spouse but waited for me to decide.
I think that was the defining, freeing moment. The moment when all the truths I had stalled to speak came rushing forward. The incredible pain. The pain from seeing everything you believed in kicked asunder by a single vicious act of someone you loved more than you loved yourself.
Then came the acceptance. Each day turned into a crawl; waiting for the enemy to reveal themselves. It was odd. One day it was pleas to return. One day it was threatening emails. One day it was my own cry for release from the loneliness. Would my arm please grow back? Would the terrible humid air please give way to the light breeze of California? Would my son please understand why I could never take him back to the USA? Could I please be left alone... alone, dear God.. alone?
I crawled through the day's routines. Meals offered a break in what was otherwise a determined listlessness that earmarked a no-man's land where no one really knew, where I was going to live in 6 months time. Any illusion of free choice was removed by my treacherous heart that still pained to speak his name. My belongings reeked of my bohemian existence as I hated all my indian clothes and sought refuge in clothes that matched how I dressed in San Diego. I spent all my time speaking to lawyers who were visibly pained to hear my 9 year story.
I slowly began hearing words like 'harassment' and 'abuse' and 'trauma' wondering what they had, to do with me. Apparently I was signing off on documents where I swore in a Court of Law that I had been harassed into earning money and alienated from my own family. I sat limply in that bench in Court taking in breaths wondering 'I didn't see this coming.'
The Petition filed and now the marriage suspended. I trudged behind my dad into a train where my visibly exhausted father gulped down some food. I was so stressed I could barely remember which playlist I loved. I reached home the next morning to a son who swung on the wooden swing outside.. running to open the gate and dragged me soon upstairs to play chess. For the first time all week. He looks up at me and says 'Mommy: was I well-mannered and polite to you...? I hope it made you happy!"
I exhaled and nodded a strained smile at him: torn between wonder at his remembering; and the weight of the danger that I was attempting to stave off; that was seeking to steal that very smile.
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