It was just two jokes and a forgotten bye
A smile half-shared and a set of
saucy comments shared.
I was laughing at a joke and
in an instant turned into a wince of pain
as I chanced upon one of my many scars
Suddenly how aware if was of how naked I was
In the presence of a whole and new gentleman
Someone who would step farther than he should
Who shook with trepidation if he were to accidentally
probe a wound.. one of the many he could sense.
The clouds rolled into my life and I found myself
grasping for grounding.
I cried out to the winds and a voice answered
“Steady yourself and breathe!”
Something about that voice was soothing.
I obeyed without recognising I obeyed it.
I flowed along and found myself underwater most times
A hand tried to grasp mine to help me..
My heart filled with gratitude and a longing
that hand was such a Godsend!
‘Give me not your heart —
give me your resolve instead’
the voice commanded.
After years of giving me heart away.
To someone to anything or anyone.
I had my resolve just enough to stay alive.
‘Love me back a little and I can breathe again’
I cried in return.
‘I will walk the way with you and
can help you’ but do not ask me to tie myself to you.
‘I need anchoring!’ I cried. I am lost and lonely.
Ever so gently you tied your boat to mine and let me row.
Disappearing when I didn’t need you
and correcting my course when I couldn’t see where I was going..
Your voice in my heart was the nicest things
on most days in this dreary journey that was
otherwise filled with isolation and fear.
However, one fine day as the scars resurfaced
it was as though I was seized with a fear that was
unnatural.
I plucked out for security and love and found you shying
from my grasp.
At that moment you were simply a frightened child
holding away from the touch of a drowning woman.
Try as I might to tell you I was bringing the embrace
of love and care
You stood back and lowered your eyes and clothed me again.
Bereft of warmth and reassuring voice, I was
determined to row without you.
With the sound of your voice, I breathed.
I knew you had to row your own way.
You always told me you couldn’t travel
All the way with me.
I knew and tried to let you go.
The more I tried to let you go, the
harder my fingers grasped yours.
Until that moment I realised I
wanted to stop rowing if it meant
I would no longer row next to you.
Shocked by the intensity of my longing
and the tiredness of my arms
I pushed away.
Straight back into the cold I went.
The water was fresh and sharp.
The air filled my lungs
reminding me of the unforgiving pain
in my limbs for having come this far.
I suddenly realised how buoyed I was,
simply by your company.
‘Tell me you loved me at least once
in this life!’ I pleaded, off you.
You refused and faded into a silence.
Leaving me wretched, torn and
heaving from the emotion.
It mattered not, to you
that I was still hounded by the demons of the deep.
That I had to fend for a child without you, now.
Without your counsel. Your wisdom.
Your gentle laughter and sagely perspective.
I rowed on. intermittently imagining
I heard your voice.
I was soon to find my mom rowing by my side.
My parents and my siblings. They had been
rowing by my side all along.
Each in their own path.
Swerving away from mine, perhaps.
But never leaving my side.
Perhaps that is what you are, my dear
friend.
By my side but invisible and soundless.
How I hope the sun always shines upon you.
May you never ever know a dreary day in your life;
is my wish upon you.
Because that is the sunshine you bore down on me.
My dear sweet friend… you may never know.
